Day 11: Something you always think “what if…” about.
what if I had swallowed
my nerves like cheap vodka
and answered the phone
for a job I didn’t really want, but really needed?
(I let glassdoor convince me
it wasn’t the right move for me.)
logic and cowardice wage a war in my brain,
and sometimes, many times, cowardice wins.
(what if I didn’t let it win?)
what if I had kissed you?
you stood to leave. just stood there
(like you were waiting for something
and I pretended not to know what you were waiting for
because I’m timid with the lights on.)
but I still think you would have texted her
when you got home.
what if I had screamed
before you had time to push me down
into the closet, the sticks, the water, the pillow?
(but girls scream and kids fight
and screaming had never helped me
what if I had walked away
the first time?
what if I hadn’t let you
(or anyone else, not my
mother, father, grandmother, friends,
teachers, coworkers, strangers
who look at me when I take too long
to find a seat on the bus)
convince me that I was too difficult
and that better
couldn’t exist for me?