Day 27: Conversely, write about something that’s kicking ass right now.
I’ve been feeling inspired.
I’m not referring to the continuous scroll of motivation phrases that dominate Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram first thing in the morning or late at night. (These are helpful, sometimes. But on a very bad day, they only make me feel worse about myself, about the fact that I feel bad. Following the accounts feels like a gesture. I’ve stopped looking at them.)
2017 felt like a quicksand trap. I started to feel trapped in my job as the few interviews I landed didn’t yield results. Debt started piling back up. I had to cancel several sets of plans which involved traveling. My car finally needed a few repairs too many. I attended several funerals. I was trying to train two high-spirited kittens (with some success, though it’s been slow-going). Many of my favorite celebrities passed away in quick succession (a morale blow, even if I didn’t know them personally). The harder I struggled, the more quickly I sank. I was waist deep and couldn’t find a way out.
Admittedly, I’m still trying to find a way out.
I threw myself into books. They were the only things that settled my brain, that helped me calm down enough to sleep. But then the holidays came, and I sank to a new low–a low I knew I couldn’t stay in forever. I felt like a bad friend, a failure, a flake. I picked up projects and put them down, unable to concentrate. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was wasting time, no matter what I was trying to work on. I didn’t finish a single project I started in 2017, except for a handful of small crochet amigurumi commissions.
But this month, I’ve done a lot. I completed several more commissions. I’ve been practicing making beanies because I’ve been asked for them many times. I’ve been making afghan squares, trying to work through my yarn stash to make room for new crafts I really want to try. I want to try things, like learn how to make a sweater. I’ve been working on a short story I meant to present to a friend for Christmas, as well as working through my first plot hurdle on a YA novel I started early last year and hit a wall with.
So it’s not that things are kicking ass, really. Too many of my problems that peeked in 2017 do not have solutions I have the resources to implement. But I’m inspired. I have hope. As my best friend said, nihilism jokes are fine, but nihilism as a philosophy isn’t healthy. Without hope, we stagnate.
If we stagnate, we sink.